I really don't want to use this blog to bitch about my boyfriend because, to be clear, I have an amazing boyfriend, I am truly a lucky, lucky girl but let’s be honest, he’s a guy and guys do stupid things (people do stupid things. I do stupid things). No one's perfect and my levels of frustration have been running in over-drive and I’m a little worn out for reasons that have nothing to do with us and reasons that have everything to do with us.
Lately, I haven’t wanted to talk it out. I’ve actually said aloud: I don’t see the point. Nothing’s going to change.
Wow. Really? How did I get here? What's this place? Where am I?
It seems like, for the longest time, my favorite thing was running my mouth. But now I don’t feel like
talking it out?That's the norm with people who I don't care about but someone I love deeply? Someone who I see a future with? Someone who makes me happy? I don't know what that's all about. I mean, I kinda do but usually I move right past my anger and try and get to a safe place where I feel like I'm back on dry land. Not wanting to talk it out? That's how/why people get divorced.
This has been my self-talk lately:
Voice of reason: So, you’re pissed off, how do you think
that will get resolved if you don’t put on your big girl panties and duke it
out?
Me: hmph. Where's the wine?
VoR: Lovely attitude. You’re a real gem. Your boyfriend is
lucky to have you.
Me: Blow me. I’m tired. I need a nap.
VoR: You’re lazy and you need to exercise.
Me: You’re fat.
VoR: That's great. That's really mature. I know you’re upset but you need to suck it up and
talk.
Me: No! Boys are stupid!!! Why should I do all the work?
VoR: Because you love him and he probably has no clue the magnitude of your
frustrations and he’s not a mind-reader.
Me: THAT’S PART OF THE PROBLEM!!! WHY CAN'T HE READ MY MIND BY NOW?!!
VoR: What are you getting your masters in?
Me: Shut up.
VoR: Counseling?
Me: NO! (Yes)
VoR: Good luck with that.
Me: That was mean.
I'm not saying that my feelings aren't warranted, au contraire, and I'm so glad my boyfriend is the type who will basically gently force me to talk about things - whether it has to do with him or not. I'm just trying to figure out, besides being emotionally pooped, why on earth, me of all people, don’t
realize that in order to move forward I have to move through it? Actually, intellectually
I do get it. 100%. But am I doing the work? Not really. Not the amount I think I
need to be doing to work through my feelings. My actions and my goals are not really congruent and I'm not being consistent. I'm frustrating myself.
It's time to reign myself back in. I think I'm in bit of a funk. I'll be happy once I figure out how to get out of it.
It's time to reign myself back in. I think I'm in bit of a funk. I'll be happy once I figure out how to get out of it.
Being in a funk sucks....I do have phases like that too....Good that your boyfriend encourages you to talk:) I am sure you will snap out of it.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Englandia :)
DeleteI'm sorry, those phases are so hard to muddle through, and it can be challenging to motivate yourself to get up and do it. I'm confident that when you are ready (and it sounds like you're almost there), you will stand yourself up, dust yourself off and go forward with the goal of sorting through all of this.
ReplyDeleteIsn't it frustrating when you know something logically, but can't get it to kick in practically? Hugs!
Thanks, Bluemoon. :) Yes, it's very frustrating and you really begin to see how easy it is for relationships to spiral out of control merely for not communicating. It could happen to the best of relationships.
DeleteHunny. You know that you are entitled to your feelings and in a lot of cases they are very justified. I think part of your frustration is that the same behavior patterns of the boy are pushing a sensitive button for you and although he listens he's not REALLY changing those behaviors.
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxoxo you know i'm always here for ya.
Yep. That's it. Thank you, Ash! xoxo
DeleteMany hugs! The matter of what happened at your family vacation this last summer still bringing you down resonates with me. I didn't realize until about a month ago how much my split with my roommate (and best friend/hetero life partner since I was 14) last March had been affecting my overall happiness. It wasn't until I was finally able to accept those feelings that I was able to finally turn a corner out of the land of depression.
ReplyDeleteIt's weird how these things can stick around for so many months and eat away at the back of your mind without you even being conscious of it most of the time. Like you said, the only way to get over it is to work through it.
As for the boyfriend, like Ash said, you're entitled to feel what you're feeling and you're entitled to talk about it with him. And you both need to agree to work on the problems together in order to move forward. I made the mistake of not talking about problems with my ex toward the end of our relationship and it's still one of my biggest regrets.
Thanks, Annie Jay :) I can totally understand the split with your best friend thing. I went through that in 2006 and I really do believe it has impacted every relationship since. I'm sorry that happened to you - I understand how that must've felt.
DeleteI know I would regret it if we broke up without me ever having articulated what exactly was bothering me - even if I have to say it a million times. The fact I was aware of it and still not budging much, was disturbing to me. I hope we're getting past it now, though.